The Toilet Vortex Read online

  They waded through tunnels for what felt like hours until Tina broke the silence. “Really?” she asked, when she spotted a large white egg shape on the horizon. “That’s your headquarters?”

  But when the four friends stood at the base of the imposing structure, there was no question it was the Head. It was a large dome, easily twenty feet high, and it appeared to be made entirely of smooth, gleaming white porcelain. In short, it was a giant toilet bowl turned upside down and planted in the middle of the sewer.

  “Well, you wouldn’t have any trouble finding it in the dark,” Juan-Carlos joked.

  “Inside,” one of the soldiers commanded. He led the way to a wide, round opening. Two more wrapped men blocked the way. “Prisoners,” he told them, and they nodded, stepping aside so the group could enter. Darren had the feeling the TP creatures wouldn’t be letting him and his friends back out so easily.

  The dome’s interior was just as clean and white as the exterior. Darren had worried that it would be dark, since he hadn’t seen any windows, but discovered he could see just fine. He glanced up and saw that the top of the dome was a big round opening, like a skylight but without any glass. Extra lights had been strung around it to reflect off the shiny white walls.

  Not that there was much to see. There weren’t any inside walls—just the one big circular room—and the floor was covered with water, like a large, shallow pool. At least the water wasn’t high, Darren thought. In here it was only up to his ankles.

  The guards led them straight across, toward the far end. As the kids approached, they saw a massive chair, made of white ceramic like the building itself, with a high back and thick arms. A man sat there, leaning back and watching them. He was short and stubby, and wrapped in toilet paper like his men. Only his big round eyes and a single spike of wispy red-gold hair right on top showed through. In his chubby hands he held what looked like a staff, and a shiny white crown sat atop his head.

  “And what’s this?” he asked as they stopped just before him. “Children? We don’t get those down here! Did someone flush you?” He laughed like that was a big joke. “Perhaps they mistook you for waste?” The guards found that particular joke to be the funniest of all.

  “Kneel!” One of the soldiers demanded, shoving Darren to the floor. “Kneel before the Porcelain Throne. Kneel before the Royal Flush, king of the sewer!”

  They knelt, trying not to squirm in disgust at the sewer water.

  “You people flush the funniest things,” the Royal Flush continued. “Toilet paper, of course. Food—eaten and otherwise. Sometimes jewelry or keys, though I’m guessing those are accidents. Plenty of toys. Even some living things. Small creatures of the sea. He leaned forward, studying the foursome closely. “But never people.” He stroked his chin. “How did you find your way down to my soggy little kingdom?”

  “You took our friend!” Darren answered.

  “Yeah, where’s Stan?” Tina chimed in.

  “Stan? Ah, yes.” The Royal Flush leaned back in his chair, sounding very pleased with himself. “He was messing up my plans, fixing those toilets. I couldn’t have that, so I dragged him down here instead.”

  “Where is he?” Juan-Carlos asked.

  “You better not have hurt him!” Walter added.

  “You’re so concerned about him,” the king replied, waving his hand. “You’d be better off worrying about yourselves.”

  Darren gulped and looked around, noticing just how bad this was. No Stan in sight, no powers, and a bunch of scary guys in toilet paper all around. “Uh, we just came to get our friend,” he said, shivering a little. “If you tell us where he is, we’ll take him and go. He won’t cause any more trouble, I promise.”

  “Somehow I don’t think I can trust you,” the Royal Flush told them. “So instead I’ll just keep you. Forever.” He smiled through his toilet-paper wrappings. “But don’t worry, you’ll soon have lots of company.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” Tina demanded. Darren had a feeling if the guards weren’t holding them back, she’d have kicked the king in the shins by now.

  “It means, little girl,” the Royal Flush answered, “that your kind have been flushing all sorts of waste down here for as long as anyone can remember.” He plucked a broken toy car from the water near his throne and flung it at them. “I’m done with all that. This time I intend to flush back! I have been opening portals into your world, but each time I do, your friend comes along and closes them! Well, not this time! Now the portal is all ours! Soon it will grow wide enough for my army to fit through. Then we will conquer the world up above!”

  He started waving his plunger scepter around, and the nearby guards and soldiers all shouted and cheered. “We will finally get to live in sunlight and warmth, with dry land and flowers and all sorts of nice, clean things. And you”—he leaned forward and pointed his plunger at them—“you and all of your kind can waste away down here in the dark, cold, smelly old sewers, with all the poop you put here in the first place!”

  CHAPTER FIVE

  “You can’t do that!” Darren shouted, trying to charge at the Royal Flush. But the TP men held him back. If only I could use my fart power, Darren thought. But he was still too soggy. They all were.

  “Oh?” The king glared down at him. “And why not? Who’s going to stop me? Your friend? He’ll have a ringside seat! Or you? A handful of annoying kids?” He laughed again, and so did all of his guards. Then he stopped and the room fell silent.

  “Throw them in the tank,” the Royal Flush commanded. “They can wait there for all the rest of their kind!”

  The guards grabbed the kids by the arms and started to haul them away. Darren tried farting again out of desperation, but produced only a few bubbles and some steam. He was just too waterlogged to do anything! So were the rest of the Squad. Tina struggled, but the guards just laughed as they dragged her across the floor. There had to be something they could do!

  The guards brought the foursome up a short flight of steps to a small platform behind the throne. Facing the platform was a single doorway, round like the one into the Head itself. The door opened onto a narrow hall that led down into the ground. Darren peered inside, but it was too dark to see where the hallway led.

  “Down,” one of the guards instructed, leading the way. These guys really didn’t talk much!

  The hallway led to a single large, rectangular room well below the Head. The walls and floor and ceiling here were the same white porcelain all around. And more important, because the door had been up higher, no water had ever made its way in here, so the place was dry.

  The guards pulled out glow sticks so they could see where they were going and led the kids down to the bottom. Darren suddenly realized with a shock that when the Royal Flush had said “Throw them in the tank,” he had meant exactly that—the Head was an upside-down toilet, and the area they were in right now was the attached water tank!

  The guards shoved the Squad into one of the cells in the back of the tank, then closed the door with a loud clang and locked it up tight.

  “Enjoy your stay,” one of them said. He and the other guards walked away, laughing. They took their lights with them. There was one glow stick mounted high up along the wall at the back of the cell, but it barely provided enough light for the Squad to see one another.

  “What now, oh fearless leader?” Walter asked, once they’d heard the guards stomp back up the stairs. “We still have no idea where Stan might be, and now we’re imprisoned, too.”

  Darren tried to imagine what their scent-sei would say in this situation and smiled slowly as it came to him. “What now?” he answered. “We fight back! We’re the Fart Squad!” He shook himself off, spraying water everywhere like a great, big dog.

  “Hey, quit it!” Tina demanded.

  “No, he is correct,” Walter said. He smiled. “We all need to dry out as quickly as possible.” He shook himself, as well, and Tina and Juan-Carlos followed. After a few minutes the kids were almost dry.r />
  “Good enough?” Tina asked.

  “One way to find out,” Darren replied. He turned around, aimed his butt at the door, and finally released the fart he’d been holding back since they’d reached the Head.

  Blattttttt!

  The fiery flatulence shot across the gap between him and the stall door like a flaming spear. The door melted away from the heat, leaving a wide opening. The heat also evaporated the rest of the water off him and the others. Now they were all dry again and ready for action!

  Darren stepped out of the stall, feeling a lot surer of himself now that he and his co-Squad members had their powers back. “That’ll bring those guards running. Better get ready!”

  “I’m on it,” Juan-Carlos called out, ducking away toward the exit. He returned a minute later. The Squad could already hear the sound of heavy footsteps descending. It was the guards. They had obviously heard the noise, but were still out of sight when there was a loud wheezing sound and a horrific smell, followed by choking and gasping noises. Juan-Carlos’s time-bomb fart had gone off perfectly!

  “Got ’em!” Juan-Carlos cheered.

  The guards stumbled into view, still dazed from the fart. There were three of them, and they all staggered toward the cell, but stopped when they saw the melted door.

  “What the crap?!” One of them shouted as they all raised their plungers, ready to attack.

  “Oh, please don’t hurt me!” Tina cried, throwing up her hands. The guards surrounded her, but it was clear they didn’t consider her a threat. That was their big mistake. A second later, two of them stiffened, gulped, and collapsed. Tina’s silent-but-deadly farts had knocked them out cold. “You messed with the wrong kids,” she said with a smile.

  That just left the one guard. He tried backing away toward the stairs, but Walter floated up and leapfrogged over him, blocking his exit. Then he knocked the man out cold with a karate kick, and the soldier crumpled to the ground.

  “Now can we get out of here?” Juan-Carlos asked.

  But Darren shook his head. “We still need to find Stan,” Darren reminded his friends. “Besides, the Royal Flush is going to invade our world and take it over! We’ve got to stop him!” It was what Stan would tell them to do, no doubt.

  “We are our world’s only defense against a veritable legion of poop,” Walter agreed. Then he chuckled. “May the best bodily function win!”

  Juan-Carlos and Tina nodded. “Let’s go, then,” she told Darren.

  The Fart Squad began their escape, first climbing up the narrow hallway and from there out into the Royal Flush’s immense throne room. Darren had worried about having to fight their way past a whole bunch of guards, but it turned out he didn’t have to fret. The throne room was complete empty!

  “Uh-oh,” Tina said. “That’s a bad sign.”

  “Hurry!” Darren took the lead, sprinting down the steps and wading across the pool. His friends raced along behind him. He slowed when they reached the exit, afraid there would still be soldiers stationed outside, but those posts were empty, as well. “He’s taken every last soldier with him,” Darren muttered. “That means they must be ready to go! We can’t let them pass through that portal!”

  “How will we locate them?” Walter asked. “I confess to having gotten completely disoriented on our journey here.”

  Surprisingly, Juan-Carlos smiled. “Follow the cold,” he answered, and after a second the others nodded. Of course! The portal was freezing cold and made the water cold around it. The farther they’d gotten from there, the warmer the water had become. So if they headed toward colder water, it should lead them back to the portal!

  “This time, however, there is no need to slog through filth,” Walter declared. He grabbed Juan-Carlos with one hand and Darren with the other, then grimaced and let out a series of small, squeaky farts. Darren quickly caught Tina’s hand with his free one as they all lifted off the ground. Whew! The smell of the sewer still overwhelmed them, but at least they weren’t walking through it this time!

  Walter flew them down the tunnels. Each time he came to a turn, he went whichever way felt coldest. Finally they found themselves at the end of one tunnel, peeking out at a much wider one ahead—and at a glowing blue disc of light, hovering just above the water, maybe a hundred feet ahead of them. It was the portal. Darren almost cheered at the sight of it. Just a single step would take them all home.

  Unfortunately, they still didn’t know where Stan was, and standing between them and the portal were hundreds upon hundreds of soldiers.

  And unless Darren could think of something quick, poor, unsuspecting Buttzville was about to be invaded by the Royal Flush.

  CHAPTER SIX

  “We’ve got to get through that portal and warn everyone!” Tina insisted. They had ducked back down the side tunnel and Walter had found a narrow ledge to land upon. This way he didn’t have to carry them but they could still stay dry enough to use their powers.

  “Yeah, but how?” Juan-Carlos asked.

  “We’ve got another problem,” Tina added. She gestured back around the corner. “See that?” A large white tent floated upon the disgusting sewer water, perhaps forty feet from the portal. “What do you want to bet that’s where the Royal Flush is? And remember what he said about Stan? He’d have a ringside seat.”

  The others gasped. Of course! The Royal Flush didn’t want Stan interfering, so the king was keeping him close by. They’d found him! But how were they going to get to him there, surrounded by the enemy?

  “We need a distraction,” Walter suggested. “Something to draw them away while we rescue Stan.”

  “A distraction?” What would Stan do? Darren wondered. What would Stan do?

  “If only Stan were around to help Darren plot out Stan’s rescue!” Juan-Carlos quipped. It was almost as if he were reading Darren’s mind.

  “Juan-Carlos,” Darren said after a second, “can you set one of your farts right where the two tunnels meet?”

  “Absolutely. When do you want it to go off?”

  Darren thought about it. “Wait until I do my thing, then give me a minute.” Next he turned to Tina and Walter. “Once I distract them, you go get Stan. There may be some soldiers left, so you’ll have to knock them out.”

  Tina grinned. “Not a problem.”

  “As soon as I leave, get ready,” Darren told the others. “Once it all hits the fan, we’ll only have a few seconds to reach the portal.” And we’ll probably only have a few more seconds in the water before we’re too soaked and frozen to do anything, he thought.

  “Good luck,” Tina told Darren as he prepared to slip away.

  “Thanks.” Then Darren turned and headed back the way they’d come. He stuck to the ledge until he spotted a big mound of poo floating right in the middle of the water. Trying not to breathe in the smell, he turned around and bent over so his butt was angled toward the mound.

  And then he let it rip.

  Blatttttttttt!

  A stream of stinky fire shot from his rear—and lit the poo on fire. Within seconds the entire mound was burning. Thick black smoke billowed up from it. The smell was so bad Darren almost gagged, but he didn’t have time to be sick. Instead he ran back down the tunnel, toward the portal.

  “Fire!” he shouted. “The sewer is on fire!”

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Darren raced back toward the portal. He saw Juan-Carlos waiting by the entrance to the main tunnel. Juan-Carlos gave him a thumbs-up.

  Then the soldiers came spilling around the corner. They all froze, staring at the burning pile of poo ahead.

  And that’s when Juan-Carlos’s time-bomb fart went off around them. The men disappeared into a cloud of stink and fell back, gasping.

  Bull’s-eye!

  “Now!” Darren shouted as he reached his teammate. “Let’s go!”

  They turned and raced around the corner toward the portal, jumping into the water to splash across. There were a few soldiers still by the tent, but as Darren watched, a larg
e figure barreled through them and the men collapsed as he passed. Walter!

  Right behind him, wading through the sewer water, was a familiar stocky gray-haired man.

  Tina darted out of the tent behind him.

  Tina spotted Darren and Juan-Carlos and waved. “It was perfect,” she shouted as they approached. “Walter carried me over the water and I wiped them all out!”

  Darren nodded. “Are you okay?” he asked Stan.

  The janitor nodded. “I’m fine,” he answered. “But I don’t think we should stick around here much longer.”

  Behind them, they could hear the soldiers recovering from Juan-Carlos’s attack. It was too late, though. The Squad had reached the portal. Darren got there first and, in typical Darren fashion, jumped straight in.

  It was just like when he’d gotten sucked in, only in reverse. His whole world seemed to swirl around him, spinning and tugging him. Then he found himself shooting out of the toilet bowl.

  Whoosh!

  Darren landed hard on his butt just outside the last stall of the boys’ room. Right back where they’d started.

  “Ouch,” he muttered, rubbing his sore bottom. Between his fiery farts and falling and running into things, his butt was getting a lot of abuse these days.

  “Look out below!” a voice called from the vicinity of the toilet. Darren scrambled to his feet. He managed to get out of the way just before Juan-Carlos came crashing through, landing in almost the exact same spot. Darren grabbed his friend by the shoulder and dragged him to the side before any of the others could come through. “Careful,” he warned. The floor was covered in water, making it super slippery, and the toilet was still overflowing. They both clutched on to the sinks opposite the stalls, trying not to fall again.